You've got her number, arranged to meet up and now you are nervous about how it’s going to pan out. You like her. You want to make a good impression. You might even think ‘she’s the one’.
While having fuzzy feelings towards a woman is a great indicator for any potential relationship, there is no trick or piece of advice that will guarantee a second date with her. Even the best pickup artists will get ‘no thanks’, and indeed you might find yourself thinking 'where did I go wrong?'.
There are 4 important things you need to know about securing a second date.
1. Have the Right Mindset
The best way to start your first date is with the right frame of mind. If you can get into the headspace of ‘it’s ok for her to say "no thanks" to me’, then you are in a better position to appear more attractive towards her and, should she decline, it won’t hurt as much. This mindset will also help you come across as a confident person.
There is an element of reverse psychology at play here, demonstrating that you don’t need her in your life is the most appealing version of you that you can portray. Then there are the additional things you can do to increase the chances of her liking you, such as looking presentable and offering to pay. I always recommend the first date to be an hour long coffee, with an exit plan (a place you need to be, a buddy you need to meet).
2. Be Interested
This is not the time to tell her how lousy your day was or talk about past girlfriends. The best thing you can do while on a date is to ask questions about your lady and get to know her. I don’t mean interrogate her about her background, past relationships and current dating situation (although you do want to double check she is single!).
Learn about her values, interests, hobbies, job and aspirations. What is her favorite tv show and why? If you were to cook her a meal, what would it be? You want to find out things about her that will help you know what to do to make her happy. If she appears really boring, doesn’t engage or is a complete airhead, I would seriously reconsider wanting to see her again.
Pepper the conversation with compliments, you want to make her feel comfortable and special. Demonstrate you have noticed her and that you like her. Having the focus on her will also help you not overthink things, including whether she likes you or not (because you don’t care, remember?).
Another great way to show you are interested in her is to touch her in subtle ways throughout your first date. This could be a peck on the cheek when you greet her, touching her arm as you make a point, or putting your hand on her shoulder as you get up and go to the toilet. This will help her understand that you like her, and allows her to think about what she might feel about you.
3. Have Fun
Enjoy yourself. Dating is meant to be fun. You are spending your free time with someone you like, enjoy the moment. Give a spontaneous hug, show your happiness and smile. Allow yourself to have a good time, if you are having fun, she is likely to be having fun too. She will want more of that and will be more likely to say yes to a second date.
Now in the ‘pickup world’ there are various ‘tricks’ you are meant to deploy, such as negging (giving a backhanded compliment), while this might work in getting some women interested in you, it is not helpful for long term commitment.
Authentic gentlemanly behaviour is more genuine and will more likely attract genuinely nice women. Don’t confuse gentlemanly behaviour with being a pushover. A gentleman asks the lady what she would like before ordering themselves, a pushover doesn’t know what to do. A gentleman notices things about his date, for example if she appears cold. A pushover will be too busy thinking about how he is coming across.
4. Ask for the Second Date
Let her know you want to see her again.
“I had a really good time with you today, when can I see you again?”
“Let's go out for dinner sometime. When are you free?”
Depending on how the date went, you might want to ask for the second date right there and then. However, if you are unsure about her signals and whether she likes you (even though you still don’t care, remember!) this can make you feel uneasy.
Leave it until a few hours after the date or early the next day to ask her out again. There are no hard and fast rules about when to ask someone for a second date, but if she likes you the earlier you ask the better. She will love you for it.
If she is unsure, give her space and allow her to think about it. Giving her space will also demonstrate that you are not needy and that you can function without her.
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Edited by George Cheley