Nearing thirty? These are the things we think you should never wear. Just don't. Don't think about it. Don't question it. Just don't. If your partner says one of these items would be a good idea, tell them to get out. These are the trends and items you are simply too old to wear.
When you get to a certain age, the old phrase 'age is but a number' literally ceases to be true, especially when it comes to clothing. When you get near thirty, you need to assess yourself and your wardrobe. Basically there are a handful of things you just shouldn't even contemplate wearing, because you will look like an idiot who is trying to be 'cool' and reclaim those lost years of youth. We've come up with the seven items you just should never be seen wearing, looking at in a store or buying. Stick to these and you're somewhat good to go. Don't stick to them and get ready to be laughed at. To be honest, we really shouldn't even have to write a guide telling you how to dress in your thirties - you're old enough to know better, for crying out loud.
Drop Crotch Trousers
I mean, these should never have even been created in the first place, but that's a whole other issue. So you're thirty and you're shopping for new trousers and you think a pair of drop crotch trousers would look good? Yeah, think again, you'll just look like an actual halfwit. Avoid like the plague, and if you have a pair already stowed away ready to bring out and scare your friends - light a bonfire and burn them. This goes for baggy crotch joggers too - an absolute no.
Distressed isn't cool. Distressed doesn't look good. It looked marginally good on Kanye West, but you aren't Kanye West and you never will be, so don't even attempt it. Even he has ditched distressed garments now, so just do the same and avoid it at all costs. You might think it'll give your look an added edge that you lost when you turned thirty and had to start behaving like an adult, but seriously it won't so please just don't wear it. Distressed jeans are a no - especially if they've been made to look distressed. You will literally look like a hobo or a dad who's trying to be cool (which you probably are) and it isn't a good look.
At what point you thought a V-neck was a good idea is beyond us. When did you think that trading in a crew neck for a V-neck was a hit? Because in case you were wondering, it isn't one. Ditch it ASAP and if you ever get bought one by your partner for Christmas, we recommend divorce.
When it comes to V-neck T-shirts (you know the type we're talking about, you'll find plenty of them down at Sugar Hut in Brentwood a la TOWIE) we couldn't protest more against them. Sure you had a health kick when you hit the big 30 and started going to the gym, but honestly, no one cares and no one wants to see your damn pigeon chest. Put it away.
These are just a massive no. Anything that is trying to be funny is typically not funny and means that you become the funny one because everyone is laughing at you. You might think that you're being ironic, but really you're not, so please just avoid T-shirts that you think will make people laugh.
Slogan T-shirts also include ones that reference your favourite TV shows. It's only acceptable to wear a T-shirt that says 'Winter is coming' if you're having a mid-life crisis and even then there really is no excuse. The same goes for those classic T-shirts with pictures of celebrities on (you know the ones - who didn't have that awful Rihanna T-shirt from Topman back in 2009). Avoid at all costs and just stick to a white one. While this never should have been a trend, this is definitely a trend that you're too old to wear in your thirties.
Too Many Buttons Undone
Please just do up your buttons - you're getting old and your chest hair is offensive. If you just looked down and can see a bit of hair sticking out, button your shirt up for the sake of everyone around you.
We get it, you saw that teenager wearing skinny jeans and you think they look good. They probably do, but you don't have the legs of your 18 year old self anymore and it's pretty damn offensive to see someone of your age wearing a pair of super spray on skinny jeans. Leave it to the kids and invest in pair of straight leg corduroy trousers instead (we're big advocates).
We hate cargo shorts, end of. No matter how old you are you shouldn't be wearing them.
Don't wear tanks tops. Just don't. You aren't Arnold Schwarzenegger and now you're over thirty you've probably got a beer belly, so do everyone a favour and avoid a tight-fitting vest (and yes that goes for in the gym too).
Look, you might have found that you've started to recede or that you're now balding, but do everyone a favour and please put down the slouchy beanie you wore when you were 20. It might have been kind of acceptable ten years ago, but this is now 2017 and to be honest, it's shocking that they're still sold. What's more, now you're thirty you'll just look like you're trying to rock that surfer look you did back in the day. Again, just don't.
Look, skating should be left to kids. You'll just look like you're trying to cling onto your nostalgic years. Ditch the dunks and definitely don't buy yourself a pair of Osiris trainers. We cannot reiterate this enough, you will just look like you're trying to be young and let's face it, now you're thirty, you actually aren't. Get over it. You will literally look you got lost and have been missing for the past twelve years (which even then doesn't make wearing them acceptable).
Again you aren't a kid, so why do it? Stop being a fool and turn the hat the right way round.
On That Note
Basically, when you get to thirty you should really grow up. Stop wearing things that you think a young person should wear, because quite frankly you aren't young anymore. Ditch the slogan T-shirts, bin the skate shoes, bid farewell to the beanie you wore ten years ago or whatever, and definitely burn those bloody drop-crotch trousers. There - we've given you the guidelines, now just stick to them. You should know by now what not to wear.